Ever since I returned from Calcutta, I have been going through a particular kind of terror that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. It is sheer torture, and incorporates all the elements of a proper sad-masochistic episode of irrevelant, yet relentless, stupidity.

I am currently buying a new notebook.

Now when I was much younger, the formula used was simple – you get what you pay for. But over the years, notebook manufacturers have successfully perverted this formula.

Let’s start at the bottom. You have a small budget, so you look around to see what you can get in that budget.

Right. What you can get in a small budget is pretty straightforward – outdated stuff from several years ago, with almost no features. You didn’t expect much more, so that’s OK.

But some features are mission critical to you. So you up the budget a bit, and see what you can get. Sure enough, there is a model available that has that mission critical feature.

Unfortunately it lacks several others that *do* exist in the lower end models.

Hmmm….

OK, let’s up the budget even more, from “peasant class” to “citizen class”. At this point, you get some good looking machines, which are sadly completely outdated, flimsy, with almost zero features, and so flimsy that even the manufacturer (who normally gives three years warranty) decides to play it safe with only one year of warranty.

Arrrrghhhh!!!!

So you move on – you up the budget yet again (you are now at twice the original budget), and slowly begin to see some elements of modern design and most of the features you are looking for – except that the manufacturer just got bought by someone and the future of this range of machines is in doubt.

OK, let’s look around again.

Ah, there, on the horizon, just above your current budget, you finally see something that seems to have everything you want, by a manufacturer who isn’t likely to go out of business in a while.

As you get closer, you realise that you are again seeing a mirage. You have a choice of three ranges, all priced about the same – “A” has plenty of great features, but weighs a ton, one “R” has almost no features and also weighs a ton, and “T” is quite light, but lacks the features of the first.

Forget about the features of the first – T lacks features offered by the very first contenders you looked at!!!!

At this point, I am almost ready to give up and use paper and pencil instead.

For the past 5 years, I have been using an IBM Thinkpad that served me well. Over the years, it has gained the tag of “India’s best know Linux notebook”, but like all good things, it finally passed on in January this year.

That Thinkpad weighed something like 4 kilos (or about 8 lbs), and if there is one thing I desperately want is a lighter machine, but with 21st century features.

IBM’s current offerings (the A, R and T series mentioned above) are the most curious design and feature mix I have ever seen. Each has “show stopper” lack of features in them.

Example – apart from the weight issues (the R and A series weigh in at 3.5-4 kilos, the T weighs about 2.5 kilos), the lower-priced A has a faster CDwriter/DVD combo (not offered with the T, though all peripherals are interchangable). The lower-priced A has svideo-out *and* svideo-in as well as firewire ports, the T doesnt. And the ultimate insult – the T has USB 1.1 ports, despite using a motherboard chipset from Intel that ships only with USB 2.0 circuitry.

This is almost offensive.

I’d go for the A, if it wasn’t so heavy. I’d go in for the T, if it wasn’t so under-featured.

Looks like I’ll have to go for a Dell instead.

Except that the only usably configured Dell (albeit priced at 70% of IBM’s price) weighs even more than IBM’s A series!

Some people say I should lok at a Compaq, but I hate the keyboards and the glide-pad that the Compaqs ship with, and the Dells and IBMs outperform the Compaqs anyway.

Did I hear someone say “Toshiba”? Yep, would love to, if one could get any real service for them in India. You only have to see the hesitation the salesmen show when you ask for the higher models to understand why this is so important.

“Skip the features!” I hear someone hollering. Rrrright. I am no novice notebook-user, and I am willing to pay for what I get – if I can get it.

For example – high-speed peripheral ports are make-or-break for me, given the notorious lack of upgrade-path that notebooks have. I expect to drive music equipment and digital video cameras with my notebook – those dinky slow-poke USB 1.1 ports at 12mbps aren’t going to help me there. USB 2.0 at least, with added Firewire if possible.

I don’t really need a 1600×1280 15″ screen – I’d settle for 1280×960 (or the more common 1400×1050), but what I am being offered is 1024×768 – the same as I have had for the past 5 years!

Bleh.

Then there is WiFi and Bluetooth. I need both. Period. I am a communication and networking guy – my clients use these technologies, so I should, too. Otherwise how can I advise them on things related to them?

IBM offers models that include both WiFi and BT, but they aren’t in stock. instead, I am being “guided” towards a lower model, that doesn’t have BT. Of course, the fact that Airtel has just announced GPRS, and that I will need BT to talk to a GPRS/BT enabled phone, totally escapes people.

Dell doesnt seem to offer any models that handle both WiFi and BT.

Pick up the phone, call the sales-support hotline to find out about this. Get put on hold for 45 minutes. Then get disconnected.

Send email, get a response roughl a week later. At 5:30pm on a Friday, just as you are leaving for home. Ask them to call back the next day – they do not. Call up Dell, get a message “Sorry, we are closed for the weekend”.

If this is how they treat people who want to buy machines from them, how will they treat people who want *service* from them?

Bite the bullet, call HP to ask about Compaq notebooks. Am offered a “great price” for top-of-line model. “Great price” turns out to be higher than their list price. Hmmm….

Top of line model turns out to have less features than the machines I considered in the first budget. Hmmm again….

The nearest compromise I can see at this point is an IBM Thinkpad T30 with WiFi, BT and USB 1.1 ports. To make up the egg-on-the-face of the USB 1.1 ports, I’d have to source and import a PCMCIA-based add-on card that offers me 2 or 4 USB 2.0 ports. There are also cards available that offer USB 2.0 and Firewire ports on the same card.

OK, since this is an IBM machine, I’d have to have a hole in the head if I was to buy it without a spare battery – not because I need the longer backup time, but because I foresee the need of a battery – IBM notebooks have a mysterious plague that kills the batteries in just a few days beyond the one-year warranty on the battery.

In fact, don’t you find it curious that IBM offers 3 years warranty on their machines, but the batteries that ship with them carry only a one year warranty?

OK, so we need a spare battery – and guess what is not available within the promised shipping time?

Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!